Bobbing Apples- in the moment. :)
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "newnora12" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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01:51 am
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futuuaaa
bleh, am i a love sick puppy or do i just love being in love?
once again, i am setting my self up to fall in love.
one month. barely. i have one month but subtract two weeks (out of town).
then im gone, im away from home, friends, comfort, carelessness, partying, family.
i need to spend my last few times with my friend, but im in that new relationship 'honeymoon' phase, because all i ever want to do is be with him.
im going to talk to him tommorow though and tell him that i need to spend my last month more with my friends, and that next years i'll be all his.
today he said forever and ever. you're my girl forever and ever. i would say isn't that a little soon? but its not. we're falling in love (surprise surprise) isn't that every teenage girls dream? to fall in love with a boy. but he's not a boy he's in college, im about to be in college, and college is where people start to meet the people they spend their lives with. bleh thats too much for me. i have too much going on right now to be thinking about love. or my future love.
i need to be thinking about other things, i need to pack (i really only 3 and a half weeks left here) i need to spend time with my family, with lindsay, jenna, and my friends, and my soccer friends (kate.) i can't believe it.
when i think about last year, saying goodbye to all the senior boys outside erics house...and how depressing that was, like uhhhh how much i wanted to cry my freaking eyes out, especially seeing lindsay leave russell. its going to be 5 bajillion times harder doing that now.
ugh.
i love you lindsay euers.
i love you jenna sansing.
i love you friends.
livejournal has freaking rocked my highschool emotion's socks off.
but i have a lot, a lot a lot a lot, to look forward to. i hope.
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09:40 pm
[Link] | its like a huge weight thats been pulling me down for the past few months is gone...i don't have to hold back my feelings and i can finally feel how i want to feel.
christmas was pretty good, not like amazing or fabulous but it met its christmas standards.
my mom got me a burberry scarf and was so excited about it. i am pretty excited too, last year a really one. but it got me to thinking, do i really need a 300$ scarf? ha. there is so much more i could get or do with that money. i don't deny that sometimes im materialistic, and that the idea of owning a burberry scarf is pretty cool...but its kind of pathetic. i have a 20 dollar scarf from the streets of london that will keep me just as warm.
my mom also got recipe boxes for each of us kids, and filled them with recipes of things we've grown up eating. i got teary eyed because as i was looking through it my mom said, with joy 'its so you can have them at college next year!'. kind of depressing =/
thats another thing, i feel like these next 6 months are going to be so bipolar. one second im going to be so happy, so carefree, hanging out with my friends and just having a good time. the next im going to be freaking out about how i need to be in incredible shape comparison to that of a freaking olympian, how i need to stop eating so bad, how im gonna be on my own in a matter of months, and how the people that have been around me for so long won't be there anymore....then that scares me and i think, oh well tonight im gonna have fun and take a few shots and maybe smoke a little and just not worry about it. then im gonna wake up with a fat hangover, stressing out about how my workout that day is gonna suck.
welcome to spring. welcome to change.
i guess it makes it better than im not the only one going through it, and that i have people to watch out for me. its not like things could get that bad.
alex was an interesting chapter in my life. i learned a lot, so im glad i went through it. i feel so abnormal though because thinking about alex doesn't make me sad, depressed, angry, nostalgic, or whatever most teenage girls would feel after breaking up with a guy of a year and a half. when i think about it all i can feel is happiness, its over!! thats HORRIBLE. i didn't realize how unhappy i was until it was over. im so sorry to those who told me time after time that it wasn't a healthy relationship. i hope they know that i knew that, i just didn't want to believe it. i wanted to see the good in it. but thank you so much for not giving up on me, and not getting sick of it and still being somewhat supportive...
which brings me to reid. i really, really enjoy spending time with reid. i just like being around him. i love that he somehow catches the smallest details, even though it never seems that he is paying attention. i absolutely love his family, being around them is so much fun and just laid back, but still like inspirational. i know that sounds retarded. one thing i hate about reid though is that he knows me tooooo well. he knows when im lying about something, even if i don't know/think i am. if that makes sense. he knows what im thinking without really having to ask, even though he does. but i guess its the same with me towards him. anyway, i don't like to look at him as a boyfriend type figure. atleast not yet. even though i occasionally have my fun with him, a commitment between me and reid is practically impossible. in my mind its still just like an unreal thing that could never happen. kind of like i could never picture that. i guess thats why i like spending time with him. i don't feel any kind of rock solid connection to him, yet im never tempted to do something or be with anyone else. i like that, i like not having that need or want.
i realllyyy don't want to wake up at 5:15 freaking am tomorrow buttt a gotta do it. i think mississippi will be fun though, even if i end up not playing well. although, i am feeling 'on' right now, so i think it will be a good weekend. im excited to get back though. im excited for camping.
Yyou have enemies in your life? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
thank you.
Current Mood:  weird
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01:50 am
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freedom
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03:31 pm
[Link] | i stayed home from school today. i think i need to use this more often.
i feel like everything is moving, except for me. it seems as if everyone around me is growing, the people, the friendships, relationships, maturity, happiness. and im just stuck. it makes me feel nieve, like always.
one thing i hate about myself is that i don't care enough. i don't care enough to fix things with my mom. i don't care enough to eat healthy. i don't care enough to stay sober. i don't care enough to keep old friendships. i don't care enough to watch how much i spend. i don't care enough to not judge people. i don't care enough to even keep my fucking room clean. i just don't give a fuck.
maybe its optimism, maybe its depression, or maybe its just who i am. i read this quote from robert frost recently that said something like 'in three words i can sum up everything i've learned from life: it goes on" it really got my attention, because thats exactly how i feel. except maybe with a little bit more apathecy....like in three words i can sum up all i will learn from life: it goes on.
ha.
i want to end it with alex for good. but its almost like he threatens me for it, like black male. well he doesnt really but it feels like it. i know if i end things wtih him he won't talk to me anymore, thats just how he is. he's explained it to me over and over again, even though i don't understand it. i just want to be friends with him. its like i can either be with him or not have him at all. but i don't know if i can do that, not have him at all. it will be like taking a piece of me away, that i didn't have before he came around. i don't know where i would find that again, or if i could even hold on to it. its like i need him, in some weird way.
manon, we all need eachother. we need more girls nights. i don't know if your reading this but i read yours, and i totally agree. even though we both have busy schedules, even squeezing in an hour of coffee here or there would be nice.
Current Mood:  calm
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10:02 pm
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i need advice. help. whatever you want to call it.
i need to be vague. so please try and understand.
i finally made a decision between two things. for a while i had been sitting in a place that could end up being awful if i didn't take one way or the other fast.
i made that decision aboouut 5 days ago, and i felt pretty good about it. except now im having second thoughts.
im weighing the pros and the cons, and the decision i gave up is definitely out weighing the place im at right now.
but, there is ONE thing, one HUGE thing that the decision i gave up doesn't have, but the one im with right now does have.
if i wait to long, i'll lose what i've already given up. it actually may already be too late.
but, giving up what i have right now will be one of the hardest things i have EVER done.
but what if the decision i gave up is what i need, im just scared of it. which, in a way, i am. i don't trust that decision at all. but every other thing seems ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
really.
but, the decision im with now, i trust so much. this place will never fail me..but, is safe really the way i need to go? don't i need to take risks? or am i taking a risk?
so i just reread everything. it seems to me that one way is right, and one way is wrong. but which is which?
the right thing is always the hardest thing.
but what if not now? shouldn't love be easy, and clear? there shouldn't be second thoughts.
if you do understand what im talking about, i'd appreciate it if you keep this to yourself. im only making this 'public' for advice.
i do not know what to do. i can no longer just SIT and hope that some big sign will tell me which way to go, i need to know before i lose it all.
i HATE regret, and i HATE having 2nd thoughts. mostly because i rarely feel this, i've always been a 'everything happens for a reason' and big fate believer, and thought that if i made the wrong decision-so what. i just im so lost within myself right now i don't know what i want, and what my true instinct is. maybe i do, im just too young to recognize it. too nieve. i've been so carefree lately that i've lost my instinct, and i've lost my sense of what i believe is right and wrong. i just kind of do what i want, when i want.
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10:57 pm
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take me a way from this place
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11:10 pm
[Link] | i wasn't going to write anything but i read a few entries and realized i have a lot to say.
im over emotional. i can hear one word and tears begin to build up in my eyes. i can have one memory, one thought, one moment of happiness...and when i realize that i won't have that particular happiness, ever again, i cry. it won't work out, i mean how could it?
i was laying on the opposite end of the room, and as i randomly talked about my feelings and what not, i tried not to let him hear my sobbing even though he already knew i was. there was a moment of silence, and i decided to sit up and poke my head around the corner just to look at him. my heart sank as he immediately turned his attention to the wall, away from me. and i saw tears going down his face, i know he didn't want me to see but i did. i was too scared to say anything so i just laid back down, and cried, more. i wish i would of said something.
i don't know what to say to him. he pretends like this isn't a big deal, just so it doesn't have to be. he's just trying to make it easier on me so he won't show me his emotion. but really, i'd like him to show it to me. just so i don't feel like im the only one in this, and that im not some pathetic love sick puppy.
this is all just over dramatic. im in highschool.
im a highschool girl its supposed to be dramatic.
thats the worst thought in the world, to me. 'this may be the last time that...'
'this is the last time that...'
and whats even worse than that is thinking about our last few goodbyes.
maybe they're not, maybe we have somewhat of a future together. we are going to the same college. yet, he's a stoner. he's a partier. im a light weight. im going to be a d1 athlete...getting tested every month and what not. and i'll love it, he won't hold me back from it. therefore, it just is not going to work out. this year our lives will take different directions. if he can't build up the courage to say three simple words that he's so strongly hinted at for so long, then i don't see how this next year won't tear everything we've built down.
im sick of crying. i don't want to drink water simply so i'll stop crying, and i can dry up and move on. metaphorically speaking..
Current Mood:  nauseated
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03:26 pm
[Link] | is continuing to hide a big, big lie okay? okay even if you learned your lesson from it..and you know you won't do it again? if i do tell the truth i know exactly what will happen. if i dont, and some other way its revealed, i deny it. i know that denying it will get me through, which is why i continue to sit, and hide it. but i also know that when the day comes that i do deny it, i won't be able to forgive myself. the guilt will be unbearable.
no more lying.
for good.
im sick of even white lies, i want to be blunt. if people don't like what they hear they have to learn to deal with it because they nor no one else is perfect. my imperfection, i lie. just like i accused jackson of, years ago. when i talk to him now i know he understands why i lie. but i shouldn't talk to him, i know that if he understands i'll lie again. i'll cover it up. i'll feel guilty, tell him, and he will tell me its okay, and the he understands why i lied. there is never, EVER a good reason to lie. its about time i knew that.
then i think, my parents...thats a different story.
Current Mood:  crappy
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12:22 am
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things that appeal to me.
    
nora. cora. lindsay. jenna.
    
Current Mood: weird
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03:29 pm
[Link] | if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by
i can't wait for christmas, mostly just to be away from school, but christmas will be nice too.
i hope disney is fun.
i want something in my life to change.
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03:52 pm
[Link] | jealousy is the worse feeling, worse than losing a relationship that you put so much into. i wish i had better words to show my emotion, the only thing i can do is cry.
i wish i could fast forward two years just to see where we would be, then everything would make so much more sense. today i went to a puppy store in the mall and it took everything in me not to cry, i miss rosie and tillie. my parents say that getting a new dog won't make it better and that its too soon, but i think that if we got one i wouldn't feel as lonely. and neither would they.
if losing a dog is hard i can't imagine what it would be like to lose a mom. i wish there was something other than gifts i could help scottie and his family with, but i really don't know what i would say or do. i hope he's okay though and knows that he has people all around him that are here for him.
Current Mood: gloomy
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10:41 pm
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song of my life. currently.
What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue
If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball
When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies
ahhh that noarh jones is amazing.
Current Mood:  lethargic
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11:50 pm
[Link] | can't decide if this is the end. i wish something would point me in a direction..i don't really know where i am right now. i feel like im lost in love, somewhere in between a reality and a reminiscent.
everyone has weaknesses, right? i know i do.
although, i've finally come to realize that this particular weakness is incomparable to others.
its makes me be someone im not, and that i've always promised myself i would never come to be.
i feel so guilty.
Current Mood:  guilty, disappointed.
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06:33 pm
[Link] | so um i just read my journal and realized that half of it is about boys.
ha, gross.
i'm done with that.
its summer!!
partyy. guitar hero. fooood. forza. driving. friends. shopping! fifaaa. bama&cali 07. kristin. pf changs. fire. soccerusa.
<3333333333333333333333
mmm soo good.
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06:12 pm
[Link] | i'm so ready for a three day weekend, i'm sure everyone else is too.
im super glad me and michael have "revived the friendship". i forgot how he makes me sane in moments.
any halloween thoughts guys?? i've been browsing the internet and stuff to find out what i want to be. and okay i WON'T be something skanky. haha, even though it would be fun-maybe for a later year when i'm older and more developed. juuuust kidding. well kinda.
i dunno though..i want to wear boots. definetely boots.
maybe. puss and boots?
OH.
thaat was a good onne.
oh man. me. puss and boots. YES thats PERFECT.
thannk goodness for livejournal blabbering, it saved me.
latterrr.
Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood:  tired
Current Music: such great heights, the postal service
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10:26 pm
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finito.
it's over, it's FINALly donnneeee.
this should be a good thing.
Current Mood: free and happyyy
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05:54 pm
[Link] | i told kyle that i stil loved jackson. and that my heart is still with him, and if it decides to go somewhere else its not going to unless its 100% left him. and its going to take alot my heart to go anywhere.
who knows, p-a-t-i-e-n-c-e.
haha.
Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood: juust right. in-place-ness.
Current Music: a wink and a smile
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10:11 pm
[Link] | he's falling in love with her again, and its just a bit depressing.
and i need to stop being so stressed out, i need to be in more of the "whatever" mode. you know, i can deal.
Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood:  scared
Current Music: keith urban
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02:19 pm
[Link] | Have you ever really thought about it? You've got this girl, head-over-heals in love with you. She'd do anything for you; she'd die for you. But for some reason, you don't want to see that. You know it's there, you know you feel the same way, but you refuse to let it be. Maybe you're scared. I mean, sure she might cause your heart to shatter into a million pieces. Sure, you're going to fight && it's going to hurt like hell. But you never know this girl just might be the one who you've been searching for. Maybe this girl is PERFECT for you, && that really scares you, doesn't it?
is this bad? like. too vulnerable bad? should a girl ever really really feel like this?
confuuusing.
Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood: restless
Current Music: dannne cook. haha.
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07:41 pm
[Link] | too much drama at once. toooo much, drammmaa, why can't you slow down?
actually life, SLOW DOWN.
not really slow down, just one thing at a time. only one. not two. not three.
+school
iCK.
shoot me.
not really..
i have so much homework, all the time...then all the boy dramas on top of that...
i hate it when the MALE is more of a drama queen than me. that. that needs to end, right there.
i love the advice: "okay this is...skanky. BUT. its true true true. go, find your self some hottie, you know, hopefully a hottie wit a body, and just kiss him. and for the first time, let him kiss you back."
yay for bf ex gf.
Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood:  annoyed
Current Music: the notwist, yes i do love them.
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